family matters
Last Christmas Eve Marcia & Dan flew to the UK, where they spend a few days in London and a few days in the Rhondda, Wales, where we used to live before moving to Florida.
In London, after resting for a day or two, they met with Dan’s birth father Neil, his partner Elaine and their son Jordan. Dan had been a little nervous, but also eagerly anticipating meeting the man that was his father when Dan was born. Things worked out as well as could be expected. Dan & Neil very much enjoyed each other’s company, and were both quite in awe of the other. They look alike; even their behavior and mannerisms are quite similar.
Marcia & Dan also met with Gel, Dan’s foster mom from the time he was a 6 month old traumatized baby until we adopted him a year later. Gel’s partner Colin has died some time ago; she has 2 adult daughters, Emma & Amy, and an adopted son Scott. Emma has a son of 8 years; Callum. Dan slipped (back) into this lively family as if he never left; quite amazing to see that happen. He has always considered himself a part of this family, which gives him wonderful acceptance & appreciation and it gives him 2 sisters, a brother and a mother (wonderful Gel).
Together with Marcia & Dan, the 2 families decided to come out together for an evening of bowling, something Dan LOVES to do. What a celebration of life and of healing! Meanwhile there’s SO MUCH brokenness and so much damage in the lives of most of these people…; the stories would be shocking and overwhelming to hear.
Now that I’m writing this (Marcia & Dan are back in Florida) I see how Dan has changed through this opportunity to reconnect with his past. While some questions remain unanswered, and a lot of the damage done (in Dan’s early life) seems (not: is) irreversible, just by reconnecting with his past, and especially meeting Neil face to face, has helped Dan to be(come) himself, that little bit more. Most of the time he seems more relaxed, less prone to blow his top. He has let go of his anger! Now, just occasionally, he falls back into an old behavior (of getting angry too quickly).
Even when he was only 8 or 9 years old, Dan got in touch with the root of his anger: he was FURIOUS with Neil, for the way Neil had treated his (birth) mother, Michele. In those months Dan absorbed serious levels & amounts of aggression. This happened while he was just a few months old. (Try imagine what this DOES to a BABY…) Marcia & I considered it a great breakthrough that Dan could ‘place’ his anger (when he was 8 or 9). But then we found that no improvements followed; he remained a deeply angry boy/ teenager. Together with the enormous lack of attachment that Dan ’suffered’ in the first few months of his life, growing up was (and has been) hugely difficult and challenging for Dan. Totally under equipped, almost permanently shut-down, and burdened with fear. Quite impossible; but God!
Marcia & I found that by bringing Dan into the atmosphere of worship (the wonderful churches & conferences that we’ve attended over the years) things changed. The wonderful Holy Spirit of God has done a healing work in him, most of the time without Dan being aware of this, other then feeling good (to be in this place). Dan made some great friends in the church in the Rhondda Valley (South Wales), and began to have the beginnings of a faith life. Even during our London years (before moving to Wales) Dan received much healing just by being in that wonderful atmosphere of worship (music). From Wales we moved to Florida, where we’ve been members of the River Church led by Pastors Rodney & Adonica Howard-Browne. This church celebrates Summer Camp & Winter Camp each year, 7 days of celebration, mornings & evenings. A tremendous atmosphere of worship, growing in intensity over the course of the week, Dan has spend many hours lying down (on some chairs) half asleep, as if under heavens anesthetic to receive healing.
It was only a few months ago when Marcia & I came under the conviction that the time had come for Dan to go back to London. We had been praying for BREAKTHROUGH with Dan; he seems to be so stuck. Breakthrough didn’t come, but Dan got mature enough to get ready to confront his past. He was apprehensive to meet Neil (very conflicting feelings) and very keen to meet Michele (which hasn’t happened yet). To our delight, Neil was very approachable and happy to meet with Dan (and Marcia). Dan is not a talker, and when he has conflicting feelings, he won’t communicate at all. Even so, Dan was delighted to discover that Neil was such a nice man, and the 2 resemble each other in many ways (external & internal). Dan is keen to spend more time with Neil, and meet the whole family, possibly. That should happen sometime, while Dan may need a level of protection, to not fall into behaviors that will not be helpful later on (smoking/ drinking/ drugs/ etc..).
We hope to get word from Michele, Dan’s birth mom, and when that happens and the time is right for Dan, we’ll be making another trip to London. How wonderful to have the promise that eventually Dan will be fully himself, clear, strong, mature, independent, capable, reliable, happy etc. We believe, by God’s grace, it’s there for him.
Tags: blessed are the poor in spirit, healing, joy, London, new family
